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Academy/Bootcamp funny story thread

  • Thread starter Deleted member 12999
  • Start date
D

Deleted member 12999

I know you guys have some good ones, as I've seen snippets in other threads.... so have at it.
@cams and @Skysoldier I know you guys have seen some funny shit. Regale us :)

I'll submit a story from my academy. I went to the state police academy here, and we had a guy that was just a lazy turd (who eventually didn't graduate with us). During lunch, which was always a great time that we never looked forward to, he was getting quizzed on his notebook. We had to keep a notebook with daily log, and stuff that we had to memorize. He tried to BS the DI, and didn't 'sound off' to boot. The DI lost his shit, and made him conduct a felony stop on the soda machine in the cafeteria for the rest of lunch... a lot of us go smoked for laughing. It was worth it.

COKE MACHINE!
FACE AWAY FROM ME!
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!
ARMS OUT PALMS UP!
DO IT NOW COKE MACHINE!
 
This is a boot camp story, but not from my boot camp...….


Is was wounded during Tet of 68, and spent most of that year in the hospital at Fort Campbell, KY. By the fall, I was ready for duty and waiting for a duty assignment,
when they decided to make me an Orderly because it was a busy year and they were shorthanded. My job was mostly patient transportation, pushing gurneys and wheelchairs
to the lab, xray, etc.

One Saturday me and another orderly were ordered to take an Army Ambulance to a small town in western Kentucky, and pick up a Basic Trainee from Campbell who
was home on a weekend pass hospitalized. The trainee was so scared of going to Vietnam that he took a shotgun and blew a 1 inch hole in his foot!
He told the doctors that it was a hunting accident.[rolleyes]

Kid was pretty stupid, and it didn't take long for him to admit that it was self inflicted. He couldn't stop talking and whining the whole ride back to Kentucky. He even went so
far as to tell us he "wasn't going to fight no white mans war."

He also told us that he was colorblind, and I just started laughing my ass off. He asked me what was so damn funny and I told him, "Man, if you are colorblind, you can't be sent
into a combat zone! You never would have been sent to Nam! And now you are going back
and facing a Court Martial."

He shut up after that, and when we got back to Campbell, they formally charged him right there in the Emergency room. He ended up getting a Bad Conduct Discharge
about month later.
 
I went through the sheriffs Department Acadamy back in 1998. Back when they could actually treat you like a piece of shit and run you into the ground. Well Day 1 we were to report on the parade deck at 0700. We all arrive at roughly 0645 and as soon ast it hit 0646 the yelling “Out of the cars” well I ran out of the car into line and Ofcourse left my keys in the car so after getting berated for several minutes a couple DI’s started checking cars and I see my car pulled up to the front of us lol Ofcourse my car got ransacked, I was delivering Dominos pizza and my hat was forced on me for the day and my girlfriend had a tube of lipstick in my glove box so they painted my lips and mouth with pink lipstick for the day. So I went through day 1 covered in lipstick wearing a Domino’s pizza hat. I looked sharp with my khaki’s lol. Fun times, especially since we were all guys. The head DI stated “Your all guys here, know what that means? It means we can do whatever the F**k we want to you” lol
 
SHOCKNAWE said:
I went through the sheriffs Department Acadamy back in 1998. Back when they could actually treat you like a piece of shit and run you into the ground. Well Day 1 we were to report on the parade deck at 0700. We all arrive at roughly 0645 and as soon ast it hit 0646 the yelling “Out of the cars” well I ran out of the car into line and Ofcourse left my keys in the car so after getting berated for several minutes a couple DI’s started checking cars and I see my car pulled up to the front of us lol Ofcourse my car got ransacked, I was delivering Dominos pizza and my hat was forced on me for the day and my girlfriend had a tube of lipstick in my glove box so they painted my lips and mouth with pink lipstick for the day. So I went through day 1 covered in lipstick wearing a Domino’s pizza hat. I looked sharp with my khaki’s lol. Fun times
Click to expand...

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
 
The best was when we went to the pool to do water rescues and testing....

No lie... and this isn't racist... it's just cliche and unfortunately factual. 2 of the 3 black guys in our class couldn't swim (coincidentally the same 2 that didn't graduate). So the DIs (all MSP Dive Team members) made them wear pink floaties all day. Brilliant.

Editors note: Everyone knew full well that there was water testing and swimming involved in the program long before we got there. No excuse.
 
I went thru the Reserve/Intermittent police academy, which ran 2 evenings/week until 10PM IIRC. So many of us were coming from our real jobs. My Wife and I both worked for DEC in Maynard and she always had "just a few more things to do" when I needed to leave to make sure that I could drop her off at home, wolf down something to eat and get to the academy in time. The academy at that time was held in an old school building, so each classroom had a front and back door into the classroom. Once (and only once) I arrived ~2 minutes late, so I tried to sneak into the back door . . . locked and the Trooper was taking attendance, so I had to walk in the front door and he dressed me down for a good couple of minutes in front of the entire class!

The following story happened years later and I was strictly an observer:
A very good friend was the director of the academies in the Eastern part of the state and one evening he calls me and asks if I want to join him as they run (full time officer) cadets thru traffic stop drills in Dorchester (a state DPW yard). We went there and they had borrowed a cadet's car for a simulated stop. Unbeknownst to the cadets making the stop, they had given one of the car occupants a snubby with blanks and told him to shoot it (but not aim at anyone) if given the opportunity. Lesson learned was that shooting a blank inside a car, aimed at the roof burnt the roof liner in the vehicle and the academy had to pay to replace the roof liner for the cadet who owned the car.
 
From my journal:

8/4/2010: Somebody reminded me that today is Coast Guard Day. August 4, 1790, Alexander Hamilton, who at the time was the Secretary of the Treasury, convinced the congress that a cutter force was needed to protect the interest of this country by collecting tariffs on imported goods as well as protect U.S. flagged vessels from piracy. This cutter force was called the Revenue Cutter Service, and was the foundation of today’s Coast Guard.

So 20 years ago, I was in basic training. On August 4th, 1990, while everyone else was enjoying the bicentennial celebration, watching fireworks, eating cook out on the base, I got handed the shortest straw, and had the “Quarterdeck Watch”. Basically I stood in the open area of the squad bay (barracks) and made sure nothing out of the ordinary happened.
In walks GMC (Chief Gunner’s Mate) Martin. Mean bastard. He was short and had blonde hair with a neatly trimmed moustache. He was the company commander (drill instructor) of a class about two weeks ahead of mine. But that mean bastard knew everyone’s name. On that day, he knew mine.

It so happened that the building my company’s squad bay was in had the best view of the fireworks that were going to be fired off at 9:30PM that night. Martin had decided he would take his wife up to an area where they could view the fireworks from a better vantage point.

I had been in basic training for just about a month at that point.

She was hot. I mean, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. More specifically, I could not rip my eyes away from her rack. And then I heard it. “SIMONEAU! Are you eyeballing my wife!?” What was I supposed to say, no? “Sir, yes Sir!” Ah hell, in for a penny, in for a pound. “GET DOWN, one million, begin,” he said as a walked by with his wife next to him, with my eyes still firmly focused on her ass.

About an hour later, my company commander walked on to the Quarter deck to find me on the floor, struggling to get to push-up 132. “Simoneau, what the hell are you doing?” He was a MK1 Dogin (First Class Machinery Technician, that guy never pronounced my name right), and the look on his face made me think I was going to be deeper in the shit than I already was in. “Sir, GMC Martin caught me eyeballing his wife, Sir.” His face changed. He turned beet red like he was stifling laughter. “What did you say to him,” he asked. “Sir, I told him I was, Sir. I wasn’t going to lie to him Sir.” “Simoneau, get up,” he said, trying really hard not to laugh. “You’re not going to make it to a million, so consider your punishment served.”

That was my first Coast Guard Day.
Click to expand...
 
Another one from basic:

The last week of Basic Training, I got called into Marzloff’s office, right off of the Quarter Deck. “Recruit, did you know you have 128 demerits?” “Sir, No Sir!” The whole time, I’m thinking “Oh shit, I’m gonna get sent back another week.” “Well Simoneau, we’ve decided to keep you, even though you should go back a week.” Phew! “We’ve decided that you do enough good in this company to keep you. I see you in the back pushing people and keeping the folks motivated. Keep it up.”

That was a close one. But I guess Wilfred and the other CCs thought Marzloff was too nice to me and let me off too easily, because later that night, the watch stander came into the squad bay saying “Simoneau, the CCs want to see you, and the office is full.” Ah shit.

So when a recruit goes to the CCs office, they have to “square it”. This means they have to slap the wall on the right side of the door then stand at attention until the CC yells “SQUARE IT”. Once the CC says that, the recruit takes one step forward, and then stops. Turns on his feet 90 degrees to the right, and then stops. Takes one step forward than stops, and stands at attention. The recruit the says “SIR, Seaman Recruit so and so reporting as ordered, SIR”.

So I got to his door and squared it. In that office were five CCs, all sitting around, shooting the shit. “SIMONEAU! Marzloff tells me you’re a funny bastard, that true?” “SIR, yes SIR!” I started to wonder what the hell was next. “Alright funny guy, know any good dirty jokes?” “SIR, yes SIR!” “Well Simoneau, tell us a joke then!”

I don’t remember the joke I told them. I do remember it was funny, because they all busted out laughing. Then they stopped and all looked at me. I was laughing too. Then I stopped. I was still standing at attention, but they were all looking at me. Grinning. “SIMONEAU! You swore! Get down and begin until I say when!” Ah man, I got hosed. So I did my twenty pushups and was dismissed. The whole time those friggen guys were laughing.
Click to expand...

RM1 Wilfred and SS1 Marzloff were my company commanders in W133
 
Parris Island summer of 86. We were doing the "slide for life". Things were going as planned, I was 4th guy in line, when all of a sudden, the guy on the rope just stops. In about 5 seconds the DI on the platform starts screaming at him. " The whole world is waiting on you! What is your freakin problem?!"
The kid yells back " Sir, there is a gator in the water!"
Sure enough, you could see the head just sticking up out of the water. The DI was maybe 5' away from me and I heard him say "Oh shit" under his breath. This was before cell phones. The DI got off that tower and took off running like an olympic sprinter.
About 10 minutes later, a Chevy pick up truck with a gator painted on the side and a red circle with a line through it like the ghost busters logo, comes flying up, two Marines jump out with wild kingdom snares and expertly wrangle the gator, and toss it in the bed of the truck. I wish I could say that the gator was a 10' long man eater, but it was small. Maybe a little less than 4' long.
While all of this was happening, the kid was just clinging to the rope. He was pouring sweat and so tired that he was shaking. When he finally let go, he was so exhausted they had to jump in and drag him out of the water.
 
So back in my academy we were required to bring 2 pieces of fruit per day. One was for after PT and the other was to be eaten with lunch. DI would stand at the door while you left PT and make sure you were eating it. So fast forward to the last Friday before graduation week. We were doing most of the specialized trainings and were in separate groups, so PT and training was done off site. So this last Friday brought us back to the academy, and we did not PT in the morning. End of the day rolls around and they surprise us with some circuit training, since we haven't done it in a while. Well, we had already eaten lunch so the mad scramble for everyone trying to find a piece of fruit comes about. Deals with the devil were being made and barters I don't want to know about, but all I knew was I was shit out of luck. So in true hail Mary fashion, I reached above, as if reaching to the heavens, and prayed my hand hit something, anything, on the top shelf of the locker that was too tall for me to see. BOOM! Thank the Lord I found a banana! Don't know when I put it there, but I was about to find out, as was the rest of the class. Yup, its been there a while......black as black could be, little bit of mold on the stem. Now what? Well, my boy who has a fresh banana says "Bro, I got you, we will just hide it and then I will break off my top piece and you eat that." Perfect. So we head into the gym and throw all of our PT forms and our fruit over in the corner. We do our training and then its time for final formation. They tell us to line up in our squads, we were in 4th squad so in the back. Then they tell us to get our fruit and start eating it. We all do a collective "f***" sigh as we know they have seen this turd somehow, but they don't know who's it is yet. DI starts babbling as hes walking through the ranks eye f***ing the shit out of each and every one of us. Hiding the black as much as I could, I slowly ate the fresh top as he strolled through. He passes me, we did it...….then he stops. Then comes the most crisp about face I have ever seen in my life. Straight to me in a single bound and then berates me for bringing a "black ass rotten ass banana" to his PT. So then he gave me a choice, I could take a class 3 violation (worst you could get) with a week left of the academy, or I could eat the whole damn thing while the class watched me. Well, because I was young and dumb, I didn't want anything negative against me so I decided to eat the whole thing. I can remember some dry heaves as I "peeled" it open. I grabbed the stem and liquid just kind of spewed out all over my hands. So I guess technically I drank it, but I did, and people were dry heaving the whole time, as was I. That was June 2001, and to this day I still have not been able to eat a banana, and dry heave every time I smell one. Hope you had a good laugh at my expense, everyone else did.
 
Another from boot in 86, but this one wasn't really funny. I was in 3rd Battalion and everyone that has been through the Island knows that they bust your balls about it being so far removed from the rest of recruit training, that no one could hear you scream out there.
It was a bright Sunday morning, early in first phase, and we were all standing in formation, before going to services. We all heard a loud yell from the third floor and everyone looked up. A recruit started yelling as soon as he cleared the hatch of the squad bay, and ran full speed and dove over the 3rd floor railing, arms pinwheeling and yelling the whole way down.

Our Senior, a tough, serious guy from Tennessee turned and said " Superman", as the kid cleared the railing. A few guys chuckled as it was kinda funny. But he hit with a loud "SPLAT" and everyone said they could hear bones breaking. Of course, the kid failed at his attempted suicide, and was conscious and screaming in pain. He had a compound fracture on his left arm, and knocked a bunch of teeth out. I don't know the full extent of his injuries but he was a friggin mess.
Still in formation, the D.I.'s ran forward to administer aid. Some comedian in the formation said loud enough to be heard " Doesn't he know it's 3rd Battalion and no one can hear him?" Well, a couple of guys burst out laughing, and the Senior was pissed.

We never knew what really happened to him, but there was lots of scuttlebutt. Some guys said the DI's were really tough on the kid and he couldn't deal with it. Some guys said that he got a Dear John letter from his girlfriend. Some guys claimed he was gay and made a pass at another private, who threatened to out him. Some said that he was successful in his second attempt. One of our DI's gave us tips on how to effectively kill ourselves, and what the kid did wrong.
Services were really good, and it turned out the Chaplain was from Quincy, but the Senior was still pissed and kept us in the pit all day. After evening chow the company CO showed up and bitched us out because a few guys laughed.
 
Roland Deschain said:
The best was when we went to the pool to do water rescues and testing....

No lie... and this isn't racist... it's just cliche and unfortunately factual. 2 of the 3 black guys in our class couldn't swim (coincidentally the same 2 that didn't graduate). So the DIs (all MSP Dive Team members) made them wear pink floaties all day. Brilliant.

Editors note: Everyone knew full well that there was water testing and swimming involved in the program long before we got there. No excuse.
Click to expand...

I went to Coast Guard boot camp with people that couldn’t swim at all. Not Air Force, not Army, not a municipal academy - people showed up to COAST GUARD basic not being able to swim at all. Had trouble feeling bad for them.
 
AntiHippie said:
I went to Coast Guard boot camp with people that couldn’t swim at all.
Click to expand...

I was Navy. I could probably put up a decent showing against a SEAL in a swim when I went through boot camp. At one swim test, we were geared up from pot to boots and were required to make across the pool, any way we could. Many were struggling. When it came to my turn, I looked the DI in the face, smiled and stepped into the pool. I went straight to the bottom and WALKED to the other side, popped to the surface and climbed out of the pool. The DI on the other side was laughing when he said, "a**h***."
 
Last edited:
In my police academy we had one guy who just always got extra attention. He was our time keeper, the only one wearing a watch who gave us official times, and we were doing PT in the front leaning rest and the watch kept bothering him for some reason. He takes it off and hands it to the lead DI who was right next to him, who just stares at him with a WTF look on his face. He dresses the guy up and down before heaving the watch into the woods, then made the rest of us run hill sprints till he found it.

The same guy had a habit of leaving his car unlocked. The third or fourth time he did this, we came out at the end of the day to see his trunk and doors open and all the contents from his car sprawled across the parking lot. Everyone was doing pushups while he had to run around and collect everything and put it back. The DI took the spare tire out at one point and rolled it all the way down the hill. The image of that kid chasing the tire still cracks me up. They ended up giving him this little purse and he had to collect our keys at the beginning of every day and distribute them when it was time to leave. He had to carry it everywhere which was funny when we went off campus to court houses, EVOC, range, ETC. On his birthday they got him a happy meal and made him eat it on the floor wearing one of those hats with the propellers on it. He had to carry the toy around for the rest of the day as well.
 

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