Have my cake and eat it too?

redsoxfan1

redsoxfan1

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What would you tell your other half if they could not understand why you like to carry all the time? My wife grew up in about the most anti-gun family ever, and I have been slowly trying to get her back from the dark side. It has been an uphill battle all the way. First with me getting my ltc, then with me buying a couple of handguns now it is why do I feel the need to carry all the time. Am I asking too much? I mean I don't think that I am but with her being so anti, I don't want to push too much. I know that this shouldn't be an issue, but lets face it,guns are evil[wink] . So what would you do? And of course I have tried to explain all the pro's of having it if you ever needed it vs wishing you had it if you ever needed it, but for some reason that isn't working. Thanks for the help, Anthony
 
Advice deleted when I saw what I thought was your girl friend was your wife.

Good luck with this!


Respectfully,

jkelly
 
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My wife's not anti-gun per se, and pretty much never gives me a hard time about carrying. There have been a few times where I mentioned to her that I wasn't comfortable in a certain place she wanted to go or whatever, because I was carrying, and she responded with, "You mean you've been carrying a gun all day????" Or sometimes she'll notice me adjusting my rig or checking to make sure there's no printing or exposure, and she'll say something like, "You're gonna carry a gun, just to go there???"

She doesn't quite "get it" that no matter what you're doing or where you are, trouble sometimes finds you!

I've found after 4 years of dating and now 8 years of marriage, the less she sees the better. I'll wait until just before leaving for work before I strap on a carry rig. I'll casually stroll into the walk into the closet to get dressed, where the safe is, etc. Not that I'm lying or would deny it if asked....not exactly sneaking either.....you other married guys know what I mean, and it's not just when it comes to guns!
 
redsoxfan1 said:
What would you tell your other half if they could not understand why you like to carry all the time? My wife grew up in about the most anti-gun family ever, and I have been slowly trying to get her back from the dark side. It has been an uphill battle all the way. First with me getting my ltc, then with me buying a couple of handguns now it is why do I feel the need to carry all the time. Am I asking too much? I mean I don't think that I am but with her being so anti, I don't want to push too much. I know that this shouldn't be an issue, but lets face it,guns are evil[wink] . So what would you do? And of course I have tried to explain all the pro's of having it if you ever needed it vs wishing you had it if you ever needed it, but for some reason that isn't working. Thanks for the help, Anthony
Click to expand...

My wife was similar, but it was more that she was afraid of guns and didn't want them around. She never told me no, she was just nervous. First I just had her watch me while I cleaned them. I explained to her how they work, what the safety features were, and how to handle them.

Then, over the next few years every time something came on tv, the radio, or in the newspaper that spoke of a rape, robbery, assault, or murder, I simply said that's why I carry, or point out that if he/she had an LTC, they'd still be alive/unharmed/etc. No huge discussion ensued. However, after hearing that a few times a day and seeing real life examples right in places where we go at times, it starts to sink in.

Soon, she'd ask if I wanted to carry when we were going into Boston or similar places.

Then, a month ago, lo and behold, she asked me if she could take a pistol class. She takes it this weekend.

We'll see what happens next.
 
Martlet said:
My wife was similar, but it was more that she was afraid of guns and didn't want them around. She never told me no, she was just nervous. First I just had her watch me while I cleaned them. I explained to her how they work, what the safety features were, and how to handle them.

Then, over the next few years every time something came on tv, the radio, or in the newspaper that spoke of a rape, robbery, assault, or murder, I simply said that's why I carry, or point out that if he/she had an LTC, they'd still be alive/unharmed/etc. No huge discussion ensued. However, after hearing that a few times a day and seeing real life examples right in places where we go at times, it starts to sink in.

Soon, she'd ask if I wanted to carry when we were going into Boston or similar places.

Then, a month ago, lo and behold, she asked me if she could take a pistol class. She takes it this weekend.

We'll see what happens next.
Click to expand...
good luck
 
Similar story here... although my wife doesn't "understand" she doesn't give me any grief at all. She has changed dramtically though and even has gone to the range with me and says she'd like to go again so I can't complain.

I use a line I've stole from someone when they ask why I carry:
"Let's assume there's a one in 100,000 chance I or my family could be a victim of a violent crime" Get them to nod. "Now can you or anyone else tell me when/where it would happen if I'm one of the unlucky ones?" Because if they could tell me that, I'd gladly just carry then.

Another thing I mention when she gets nervous: "Sweetie, the only way this gun will go off is when MY finger pulls the trigger. And that will happen only when I think it's either my life or a bad guy's... which would you prefer?" OK- I haven't tried this one exactly.. but I've tried many more like it.

Sometimes when she worries about a gun sitting on a table next to us I tell her to keep and eye on it to make sure it doesn't do something unexepected all by itself. [rofl]
 
I've tried Martlet's approach, and I guess I was too heavy handed. Now she just gets angry when I bring stuff like that up. I think the realism has had some effect, but she's still a long, long way from being happy about it at all.

Part of the problem is that I find all sorts of things wrong with Boston: the crime, the attitude, the corruption, the politics, etc. etc. So...what I might have intended as a calm and reasonable critique of stupid self-defense laws probably ended up being a constant low-level assault on all things liberal that she holds so dear. Even if I'm right (and I know I am ;-) I can see how that would sour someone.

Now I'm following more of 2000GM's strategy--out of sight out of mind. My hope is that less argument will make the whole thing easier to stomach.

Still we're wrapping up year two of gun ownership, and she'd still be happy melting the guns if she thought she could get away with it.
 
I've told this one before, but here goes. My wife has never had the slightest interest in guns, and only tolerates my interest. About 10 years ago we were going to a party at her bosses home. As we were getting dressed, she noticed the Colt Commander on my belt, gave a big sigh, and asked "do you really think you're going to need that?" (Like American Express, I don't leave home without it.) I just starred at her for a minute and replied, "If I thought I was going to need it, we'd be staying home." She stopped and thought about it for a minute, got the idea and dropped the subject; she's never had anything to say about it since then.

Ken
 
Lots of good ideas presented. Good luck with trying to change her mind about guns as that seems to be the basic issue. God hope that it won't take a negative incident to open her eyes to the basics of self awareness/defense.
My wife took an all womens self defense seminar and then a women's only LTC class at S+W. She had good things to say about it. Said there wasn't any ego crap going on adn alot of good info.
If it's not too heavy handed, try getting a cheap police scanner and if your wife can tolerate the jabber she can hear what kind of crap (home invasions, car jackings, armed robberies) occur every day in every town in the Commonwealth. Kind of eye opening actually...
 
My SO usually appreciates the fact that I care enough about her and our respective kids to want to insure that nothing will happen to them that can possibly be avoided.
 
KMaurer said:
I've told this one before, but here goes. My wife has never had the slightest interest in guns, and only tolerates my interest. About 10 years ago we were going to a party at her bosses home. As we were getting dressed, she noticed the Colt Commander on my belt, gave a big sigh, and asked "do you really think you're going to need that?" (Like American Express, I don't leave home without it.) I just starred at her for a minute and replied, "If I thought I was going to need it, we'd be staying home." She stopped and thought about it for a minute, got the idea and dropped the subject; she's never had anything to say about it since then.

Ken
Click to expand...

+1

Another good one is is next time you take a little car ride, ask her why she just buckled up her seatbelt.

Does she expect an accident?
If there haven't been many accidents on your street suggest that she only buckle it when you get to a "Dangerous" street.

Also, frankly, Hoplophobia is almost always based 100% on ignorance about guns, so just live your life by the 4 rules, and make it obvious how safty conscious you are. Eventully (like my wife) she'll figgure out that a gun in the house is no more dangerous than 90% of the crap we keep around (god knows her Wustoff Kitchen knives have caused more injury than my guns ever have)

Also if you don't already try to practice safty drills about once a month. Mix in non-gun stuff too, so you don't seem like a one-trick pony. Fire drill, medical emergency drill, home invasion.

It'll only be logical that she learns that guns in the home ADD, not SUBTRACT from safty, and there is more to fear from a home without a gun.

My wife still has very litte interest in guns, but I asked her a while back if I was to die, what would she do with my guns?

She said she'd get her permit then so the .45 can still stay with her. [smile]

Oh and she also said she'd come to the next big NES shoot.

One step at a time.

-Weer'd Beard
 
My girlfriend was somewhat anti, even though she'd gone to the range with me a couple of times. A few times when she noticed that I was carrying, she'd remark that it made her feel "uncomfortable". She'd remarked more than once that we have cell phones and we could just call the cops if we got into trouble.

That changed one night in Boston. It was late, and we were walking to my car inside a parking garage in the theater district. I had discretely moved my 642 from its holster to my coat pocket. As we approached, we saw a couple of "youths" hanging around my car (which was parked off by itself), and noticed three more walking up the ramp about 75' behind us.

My GF started to ask, "Do you..." and before she could finish, I said - just loud enough for the guys ahead of us to hear, "It's in my hand." Then I looked the guy closest to my car right in the eye and asked (loudly), "How are you folks doing tonight?" Without saying anything, he and his baggy-clothed buddy walked backwards up the ramp and turned the corner. We got into my car and left.

When we pulled out of the garage, she said, "That was scary."
I said, "Yeah, good thing we had our cell phones."

She hasn't said a word about me carrying since.
 
If I carry I usually lay about 6 or 7 on the bed and ask her which would look better with what I'm wearing. If she gets pissy I hold one next to my waste and ask her if she thinks it makes me look fat.

She gives me the evil eye when I slip one down the back of my waste and the other int an ankle holster.

Then it's like "why do you need two"? And I give her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and thank her. Then latch a holster to my side for a third and put the rest away.

She tells me that I suck and then we get in the car and leave.
 
This thread is unbelievable. I actually was not sure if it was good old New England sarcasm until I realized that you all were serious.

I have two questions if anyone would care to answer.

1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?

2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
 
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My wife and I had the same discussions when I went to get my LTC(I had aone years before I met her but let it lapse) and I explained that it will never get easier to get a permit. Once she saw how unobtrusive it really was she let it drop. It only becomes a big deal if you let it.
 
Cato said:
1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?
Click to expand...

Love works in mysterious ways. In so many other ways we think very much the same. When it comes to firearms, she simply doesn't care. She has no interest and no real understanding. Kind of like me and sewing. I have no idea why she needed a $1200 sewing machine when there was a nice $400 model. That's her thing and I let her go at it. I'm still waiting for the curtains 2 years after we repainted the livingroom, but that's her thing. (^_^)

Cato said:
2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
Click to expand...

Almost the same reason for the Military "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy. If she doesn't see it, it doesn't exist. I get fewer 'comments' and we are both better off.

When we first met her very first 'comment' to me was about the knife clipped inside my pocket. That changed when she saw how handy it can be. She now has a nice little purple handle Spiderco on her keychain.

I get the "Gadget-Boy" comments all the time if we are around her friends, but its amazing how many times her friends ask for help. Hmmmm. Of course, they have NO idea about the unseen tools.

The gun issue is different. It is a tool that has NEVER been called upon, and she doesn't quite get the argument that I hope it never does. We've had the seatbelt and insurance conversation. Just doesn't matter.
 
Cato said:
This thread is unbelievable. I actually was not sure if it was good old New England sarcasm until I realized that you all were serious.

I have two questions if anyone would care to answer.

1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?
Click to expand...

My case is different. She wasn't an anti, per se, she was ignorant and fearful.

2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
Click to expand...

I don't.
 
Cato said:
I have two questions if anyone would care to answer.

1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?
Click to expand...

Easy. Huge boobs.

Cato said:
2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
Click to expand...

I don't. I do what I want and she can decide how she feels about it. She started off cool, but now sees the need.
 
Of course one of the things is there are many different levels of
hoplophobia... theres that "bottom end" where you have the women **
who will wig out over the mere discussion of guns.

Then theres the middle somewhere- there are the ones that just deal
with it because its part of who you are and they accept it the same way
they accept any of your other faults. This can go bad, however, you
can end up with a harpy that is on your ass all the time about getting
rid of the guns- as though its some kind of a problem that needs to
be corrected. [rolleyes] If you sniff that out at all, save yourself the
years of misery up front and say "The door is that way. ". I realize that
some people think that they should sacrifice who they are or what they do
to be with someone else, but IMO that is the road to ruin, usually. What
is the point of being in love with someone if they will not accept you for
who you are? (and anything that comes with that, wether its a dog, cat, a
motorcycle, guns, whatever... ) People need to analyze their relationship
as a whole and ask themselves if its really worth it. It is very easy to
get jaded by emotion while losing sight of the fact that someone is actually
using you. And once they get you to capitulate to one demand, then
they will start walking all over you. (I realize this is a rash
generalization, but all the men I know personally that are excessively
pussy whipped are usually miserable souls. It's one thing for the partner
to ask for help/advice/etc but when they start dominating your existence
then that only results in misery. )

This issue is thorny and every situation is a little bit different. For every
woman that isn't completely mortified, there is usually hope. The goal
can be to get her (on her own terms) to a place where shes at least
"comfortable" around guns. It doesn't even matter if she doesn't have the
same level of interest that you do. If you can get her to a comfort
zone, that is a win by any means. How you accomplish that, well, you
often have to be creative and very patient, and gentle.

*In the interest of being gender neutral about this- I'm damned sure that
on more than one occasion there has probably been a single woman who
is a gunperson that has had the opposite problem. Probably doesn't
happen as often, but there are a lot of male hoplophobes out there,
too. IMO these might even be WORSE to deal with than the women!

-Mike
 
Cato said:
This thread is unbelievable. I actually was not sure if it was good old New England sarcasm until I realized that you all were serious.

I have two questions if anyone would care to answer.

1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?

2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
Click to expand...


My wife was a gymnist.....infer whatever else you need to rationalize why I married her....lmao!!!!!

My whole life isn't guns, guns, guns. It's a hobby, like fishing and drinking....and my hobbies don't control my life.
 
Well, here's my thought on the matter. As a retired LEO who worked in plainclothes for over 2 decades, my philosophy was simple. There are 3 types of people in this world... The sheep, the wolf, and the sheepdog. As you go about your business, you can't tell who is who. Each day, when I reached for my pistol, as I racked the slide, I'd say to myself: "today could be the day". This philosophy remains pertinent as it did each and every working day. When that doorbell rings at your home, do you really know which of the 3 types is on the other side? Pick any other situation outside of your home and the answer remains the same. No, you don't really know.
Each of us has to decide which of the 3 types WE are. That is the only thing that we can control.
When one adopts the philosophy that self defense requires no permission from anyone, the tools required to back up that philosophy become self evident.
CJ
 
Cato said:
1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?
Click to expand...
Unlike some people, "philosophical compatability" wasn't the first thing that I was interested in at that time.

Cato said:
2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
Click to expand...
I don't recall anyone expressing a need to get permission. OTOH, "getting along" is a great tactic to avoid having to sell all your guns to pay for the divorce settlement. Take it from someone who's been married for close to 40 years, and owned and used guns the entire time.

Ken
 
My wife of nearly 40 years never had a problem with me having a gun, she just didn't understand why I wanted one until...................

We were out riding around the countryside one nice Sunday afternoon when I noticed a car with some yoots in it behind me. I turned right, they did too. Left, left,right,right. This went on for about 1/2 hour. They matched every turn I made...it was totally impossible that it was coincidence, considering where we were.

Eventually we got to an area that was pretty much thick residential and they blasted past me and turned down a side road. We were on edge the whole time.

After they left my wife says, "Maybe I should buy you a baseball bat before were go out for our next Sunday drive."

I told her I had something better than a bat. A light bulb went off in her head and her jaw dropped, "You mean you're carrying your gun?" I said yup, always do.

She asked how long have you been doing that, and I told her about 5 years, everyday. How she didn't know, I don't have any idea.

She just thought about it and has never said a word about me carrying. We've talked about how she should get her permit in case something happens to me. She now has 'her' gun, a .38 snubby we go to the range sometimes and she is taking the 'class' in a couple weeks.

It's amazing what a good scare can do to convince people you're doing the right thing.

Yesterday as I was putting my holster on to go out, she said, "Maybe you really don't need that today."

I said ,"maybe'.
 
Cato said:
This thread is unbelievable. I actually was not sure if it was good old New England sarcasm until I realized that you all were serious.

I have two questions if anyone would care to answer.

1. How is it possible to become seriously involved with or actually get married to someone who is so philosophically incompatible?

2. Assuming that you are all adults why do you ask permission, hide, sugar coat or otherwise perform ridiculous rituals in order to enjoy your hobby.
Click to expand...


Many great responses already but since you asked #2 I assume you don't understand what a healthy relationship is like.

Regarding #1, I'm not a "one issue" guy. Guns are something I got more involved in AFTER my relationship went past marriage. Regardless, no matter how much I love guns, the nurturing and love of my wife with our kids and the very similar moral values is more important. I won't even go into the "boob" thing. [wink]
 
Great to hear a lot of others on this site are in similar situations. From hanging around for a while you get the sense most members would be free from this sort non-understanding from their SOs. Good to see I'm not alone.

My wife would fall into the naive and fearful category. Mainly because of the little ones in the house and the safety issue. I've always hunted and had long guns but just recently entered the short gun category. Have only sparingly introduced her to carrying issue. She knows I have one for that purpose but that is about it. She's never noticed it, etc. I keep it to myself. Before the 'class' in a couple of weeks I hope to have a more in depth conversation about it. Hopefully she'll agree. If not, hopefully Lynn covers this a bit and it helps persuade her.

She is appreciative of them in the home I know. Like recently when our door was getting pounded on at 3am and I had no problem getting right down there with one in my robe pocket. Turned out to be a friend but it is still a scary few minutes when your awoken like that.

She's taken the Women on Target class after my persuasion and liked it and has agreed to take SO class to get her permit. We'll see how it develops from there.
 
This is very bizarre. We had chinese food today at work, and I got
a fortune cookie.

The cookie said inside "You can have your cake and eat it too."

WTF? I think someone is watching. TINFOIL HAT = ON

-Mike
 
Quote from CadilacJack;

There are 3 types of people in this world... The sheep, the wolf, and the sheepdog. This would make a great bumpersticker.

Find your inner sheepdog!
 

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