Why I Carry: Some Monkey Attacks In Home Depot

[commodon]

Of the two side-by-side photos provided with the article, which one is the monkey?

 

[Qwikdraw45]

:emoji_speak_no_evil:That woman is soooooo ugly...


How ugly is she?

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>>>>>> She sooooo ugly that her monkey jumped out of her cart trying to get away! :emoji_speak_no_evil:

 

[enbloc]

Just beautiful...

 

[amm5061]

Obviously guilty!

 

[ridleyman]

I'm not a big fan of monkeys-I was attacked by them (they threw sticks and nuts at a friend and me) walking through the jungle of Guatemala.

 

[Mountain]

Hey folks, I figured out why Reptile carries for his monkey phobia. Seems he's been having nightmares since seeing this movie:

 

[slap shot]

Is this a before/after or an after/before?

now it is, before, after, then long after

 

[not new guy]

I can’t stop looking at the title of this thread. Reptile, do you really carry in case someone has a pet monkey that gets out of hand at Home Depot?

I'm picturing him drawing while standing in the checkout line at Home Depot and trying to shoot a 15lb monkey off a cashier's face.

 

[DispositionMatrix]

...IQ was to high...

Maybe the monkey could tell the difference between too and to.

 

[Oldarmy]

If Obama had a ----, nah that's racist lol.

 

[Dip Dungles]

Hey folks, I figured out why Reptile carries for his monkey phobia. Seems he's been having nightmares since seeing this movie:

"Hello anal dwelling butt monkey."

 

[Rick O'Shea]

Perfect opportunity to say,...
"Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!",....

 

[Dennis in MA]

If one ever gets out of line near me I will end it's life without hesitation. They are wild animals and can get nasty. F those damn dirty apes.

Yeah. Shoot a small fast-moving animal. Better to just shoot the owner and get it over with.

Spider monkey in HD. I'd be at the door telling her to get her ass out of there.

Maybe the monkey could tell the difference between too and to.

Two shay.


So a woman in FL walks into HD with a spider monkey on her shoulder. The cashier at the return desk looks and says, "Hey, nice pig."

The woman says, "This is a spider monkey, not a pig."

The guy shoots back, "I know. I was talking to the monkey!"

 

[amm5061]

Two shay.

Et too, Brute?

 

[NHCraigT]

Yep. Always good to carry .... just in case you've got to take the initiative to shoot someone's misbehaving beloved pet, in a public retail establishment, with people (and possibly children) all around you.

ya know .... public safety and all .....

 

[LoginName]

So, you want a pet monkey you say?
They're cute and entertaining you say?
How much trouble can they be you say?

Comic Book Resources has a fantastic first-hand account of ordering a live miniature monkey from a comic book advertisment.

Jeff Tuthill ordered one for about $25 in the early 1970s. Not wanting his parents to know, he had it shipped to his friend's house:

It came in this little cardboard box. I mean, I’m saying small. It was probably the size of a shoebox, except it was higher. It had a little chicken wire screen window in it. There was a cut out. All you could see if you looked in there was his face. I brought it home, and I actually snuck it into the basement of the house.

...

No instructions [were included]. He had this waist belt on, a collar, if you will, on his waist, with an unattached leash inside the box. So I opened the box up inside the cage, the monkey jumped out, I withdrew the box and found the leash. I have no idea where it came from; I assumed it came from Florida. I figured, well, it’s probably near dehydration, so I opened up the cage to put some water in it. It leapt out of the cage when I opened it up the second time! I mean, it was eyeing the pipes that I was unaware of. As soon as I opened the cage, it leapt up and grabbed onto the plumbing up on the ceiling and started using them like monkey bars, and he was just shooting along in the basement, chirping pretty loud. It was heading towards the finished side of the basement, where there was a drop ceiling, and if it got into those channels, I never would have got it. It would have been days to get this thing out of there. I grabbed it by its tail, and it came down on, starting literally up by my shoulder, like a drill press it landed on my arm, and every bite was breaking flesh. It was literally like an unsewing machine. It was literally unsewing my arm coming down, and I was pouring blood. I grabbed it by its neck with both my wrists, threw it back in the cage. It’s screaming like a scalded cat. I’m pouring blood. My friend’s laughing uncontrollably, and my father finally comes in the basement door and goes, ‘Jeffery! What are you doing to that rabbit?’ And I go, ‘It’s not a rabbit, it’s a monkey, and it just bit the hell out of me.’ ‘A monkey? Bring it up here!’ I’m pouring, I wrapped a t-shirt around my arm to stave off the bleeding, carried the cage upstairs, and I don’t know why I bothered sneaking it in, because they fell in love with it, and it was like, there was no problem at all. They took me to the emergency room and I got 28 stitches on my arm.

Man's account of ordering a live monkey from comic book ad

And that was just from one little monkey probably no bigger than a guinea pig if even that.

View: https://youtu.be/EVg5e4XLJ_s

LOL... "I wish my pappy was out of jail"... "I wish i had some chicken".

Left red marks on the shoulder and back. Sounds pretty vicious. Now the cashier is gonna need a support monkey! where will it end ?

Sometime back in the mid 60's we went on a family outing to some shit zoo (this was back when the animals were kept in cages that were
more like Turkish prison cells).

We stopped by one cage that had a couple of spider monkeys or gibbons with nothing but a tree branch, a swing and a couple of shelves to
hang out on.

Who knows what they were thinking, but I'm certain they were miserable as f***.

There wasn't anything separating the cage from the visitors, and you could easily stick your whole arm in the cage
if you were foolish enough to do so.

They weren't doing much of anything except staring back at us so after about 5 minutes we got bored and
set off for the next exhibit. As I was rounding the side of the cell this long, skinny hairy arm came flying
through the bars and caught me across the side of the face. I got a pretty good scratch and welt from it
and it surprised me more than it hurt, but the scary part was that f***er missed my eye by about an inch.

After my mother freaked out for a minute while she looked at my wound, she started to yell at me
because of course it was my fault for getting to close to the cage

 

[Dennis in MA]

My MIL had a shit zoo. It only had one little pissant dog in it, tho.

 

[Asaltweapon]

If Obama had a ----, nah that's racist lol.

He does.

 

[Mountain]

"Hello anal dwelling butt monkey."

Or perhaps Reptile was a stunt double for this scene?

 

[tuna]

I don't know why people are in such love with monkeys. They see them on TV and they're dressed up like cute children but they stink, scratch, bite and throw piss and shite all over the place (I guess they're like UN-cute children). If my wife or kids ever brought one home, I swear I'd break its freaking neck and toss the carcass in crazymjb's trash can when he wasn't looking.

 

[StevieP]

WTF was she doing with the monkey in a store in the first place? Pets belong in the home.

 

[yanquidog]

If one ever gets out of line near me I will end it's life without hesitation. They are wild animals and can get nasty. F those damn dirty apes.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cdmqn9JIuzc

 

[Dennis in MA]

Peter Gabriel carries a taser for this exact reason. He's been known to SHOCK the Monkey!

 

[AHM]

... Now the cashier is gonna need a support monkey honey badger! where will it end ?

FTFY.

(Go big, or go home).

Sometime back in the mid 60's we went on a family outing to some shit zoo (this was back when the animals were kept in cages that were more like Turkish prison cells).

We stopped by one cage that had a couple of spider monkeys or gibbons with nothing but a tree branch, a swing and a couple of shelves to hang out on.

We had free-range monkeys where I come from.

(They monkeys are the ones in the background).

 

[Reptile]

I can’t stop looking at the title of this thread. Reptile, do you really carry in case someone has a pet monkey that gets out of hand at Home Depot?

Hey folks, I figured out why Reptile carries for his monkey phobia. Seems he's been having nightmares since seeing this movie:

I'm picturing him drawing while standing in the checkout line at Home Depot and trying to shoot a 15lb monkey off a cashier's face.

Better to have it and not need it then need it and not have it.

It's a jungle out there.

 

[Mountain]

Would a gun be that satisfying for dispatching monkeys?

Late last year during a work trip I had a little time to see the Khaneri Caves complex. It's a series of carved monuments and caves that were completed by Buddhist monks throughout ~1st century BC and 9th century AD. Cool place.

However, the area is full of these little bastards and they like to assault tourists when left to their own devices. Think panhandler that traded in his squeegee for teeth and claws.

My coworker and I made friends with one of the security guards, who made a great unofficial guide.

Though the stick made a nice pointer to highlight the cultural treasures he was proud to share, its main purpose is as a 'monkey whacker'. It was pretty funny to see how those little bastards gave him and his stick the stink eye as they kept their distance.

Now... Wouldn't a stick just be much more fun?

 

[Reptile]

Would a gun be that satisfying for dispatching monkeys?

Late last year during a work trip I had a little time to see the Khaneri Caves complex. It's a series of carved monuments and caves that were completed by Buddhist monks throughout ~1st century BC and 9th century AD. Cool place.

However, the area is full of these little bastards and they like to assault tourists when left to their own devices. Think panhandler that traded in his squeegee for teeth and claws.

My coworker and I made friends with one of the security guards, who made a great unofficial guide.

Though the stick made a nice pointer to highlight the cultural treasures he was proud to share, its main purpose is as a 'monkey whacker'. It was pretty funny to see how those little bastards gave him and his stick the stink eye as they kept their distance.

Now... Wouldn't a stick just be much more fun?

Sure, the stick would be plenty fun...

Until there is a Chimpout.

 

[frenchman]

Two shay.

Sir, you may murder me, but please, do not murder my language. It is spelled TOUCHE, which is the first form of the verb toucher, which means "to touch". Touche (I am missing the accent aigu on the e, sorry) means "touched", and is in this context meant as the referee comand in fencing, which separates the opponents after one landed a hit.

 

[Dennis in MA]

I'll take that tou heart.

 

[Spanz]